Ok so first off... yipeeeeeeee another week has passed!!! That part always excites me at least there is one good thing about Mondays!! On another note I am feeling extremely tired and frustrated, or maybe stressed is a better word. So I am tired because I don't seem to be sleeping through the night due to some super strange dreams they are more positive now at least no more shootings going on, they are just strange and sometimes awkward. Ahh well I can handle that.
This week and next week mark the time when I lost our first baby Alarly (yes we named her it made it easier for me). I believe that something happened around week 10 or 11 and then I miscarried at 12 weeks 1 day. Just when you think you are in the clear. So I am in somewhat of a panic mode that it is going to happen again and that I will never get to have this baby. Or that I will never be able to experience a full birth and what being a mom is like. Alright I am an over analyzer but still these are the thoughts going through my brain. The what ifs of this week.
The other thing that is starting to bother me is that we have friends who are due the same time as us... my SIL M is due on the 6th I believe and our friends M and P are due on the 5th. Now this is not against them at all I am soooo excited for both couples that it makes me giddy! To think cousins the same age!!! That is what I always wanted and never had! But because they have no reason to worry and no family to wait until Christmas to tell they are starting to phone us as they turn 12 weeks. I want soooo badly to tell more people and to jump on the roof and shout it for everyone to hear, I want to be happier and proud and looking ahead and planning more. But K wants to keep this on the down low too, I get it and I get why. It is just hard, whenever I talk to my mom on the phone I want to tell her and have her be excited with me and to ask her a million questions and plan for a visit and all that stuff. I also want to tell my best friend, it feels so strange to keep this from people. I don't want to hurt them by not telling but I know if I tell my mom she will not be able to keep her mouth shut unless my dad duct tapes it up! Sorry mom when you read this.. we are too much alike so I know what you will do! I am super excited for this vacation to Mexico not just because we are getting out of town but because we can tell people when we are there... I can shout it from the rooftops.... I can talk about it all I want! Plus my friend M will be there and will be about 5 months preggers when I see her! Then after Mexico it is one week till I can tell my parents... I swear they aren't even going to walk in the door and I am going to shout.... I AM 16 WEEKS PREGGERSSSSS!!! Just like that. really loud and I won't care who is listening. Then I can post it on my facebook and tell the office (my boss knows) and tell every stranger I see. I swear going grocery shopping and making small talk with the lady at the till is sometimes the highlight of my day.... yup I am here cause I am preggers and I was totally craving.... (insert yummy or gross food here).
Ahhhhhh that feels better I have vented. Life can now continue!
1 comment:
I know it's tough keeping such ground-breaking news all to yourself -- but when you do finally get to tell, the pay-off will be HUUUUGE!!!
Especially since the "newness" factor of your SIL's and friend's pregnancies will have worn off. They will be overjoyed to know that you're going to along for the whole pregnancy & childbirth ride, believe me!
Nothing rocks more than having a close friend going through the exact same thing you are. Especially when you're trying to copy with a newborn on zero hours' sleep! (It's SOOO comforting to know that other people are going through the same thing and that no, you're not going crazy!)
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